Major Mental Shift

     So a few years ago when I returned home from The CrossFit Game Regionals, I swore I would get stronger and hit those heavy lifts that just broke me while I was there. My friend and I decided to complete Mike Burgeners 12 week Oly program.  We did, and by the time I was done I was able to do things like RX WODs with 95# snatches and clean and jerk over my body weight.  I could back squat 185 for 5 or 6 reps and my max was getting up over 200#. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy.  It was tough to complete that program 4 days a week, over 12 weeks, and I was super proud of myself for doing so.  It was HEAVY.  My body hurt and I felt a great accomplishment over those major personal records.  I felt confident and strong, mentally and physically.

      Fast forward to this summer.  After not CrossFitting again, but completing 2 more bodybuilding competitions, I knew I needed to lay off my upper body for a bit, and give my wheels a chance to catch up in order to reach my goals on stage in 2015.  

So I went online, and went with what I knew worked, only this time I wasn't concerned what my numbers were. I just wanted a bigger ass. Me and a few friends dove right in to another Burgener program and just recently completed the 12 weeks of the Hatch Squat.  2 days a week, every week, we back and front squatted. It was SUPER HEAVY and threw in some of our own hamstring work because I know we need it. I was also doing a single leg day on machines at the good old globo. By the time I was done my back squat was 275#.  I could bust out 250 for reps and my old tough reps from the first program at 185 felt more like warm up weight. I've been training legs hard for a couple seasons now but completing something regimented for 12 weeks is a big deal.  I could even front squat over 200# for reps as well, but most importantly I grew out of my lulu shorts by TWO sizes. Oh fuck yeah baby! 

  
A couple squats a few weeks in...:)
  https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202546601085908&l=5202933347898815209

       Eat and squat for the win. My squats got better as the weeks went by. It was tough and my hips are bugging me after all that, but the confidence I gained was unbelievable.  These ol "chicken legs" of mine throwing 250 or so on that bar and squatting it on the regular was something that really helped me, mostly mentally, as I've always been stronger in my upper body then lower. It's like a damn thorn in my side. That consistent big girl weight has helped me overcome my doubt on my leg progress. I still have more work to do but don't we always?  That's what keeps us alive and thriving anyways...growth. This twelve weeks is definitely something I am proud of. I've gotten stronger and my numbers went up even though I was doing it mainly for looks. The accomplishment feels wonderful all the way around. 

    Ok so my point.... goals may shift over time but completing something we've set out to do has the same outcome....CONFIDENCE and a great sense of pride. I urge you ladies to find something like this and complete it.  It doesn't have to be a program from http://www.mikesgym.org/, it could be anything. Completing something physically demanding, no matter what your fitness level, will change you from the inside out.  Make it challenging and geared toward conquering some weaknesses. You will surprise yourself and gain some major mental toughness and self respect in the process. Totally worth it.  

Moving on to overhead squats.  Now let's see how big my traps can get in this process. ;) OFF SEASON FUN!!! LETS GO! 

       

Thankful.

   Thankful for the blisters, brush burns, mood swings.  Thankful for the sore muscles, tight hips, and extremely tired mind.  I'm even thankful for this bland food, boring endless cardio, Sweet Sweat and that hot ass sauna.  I'm at that point where we are in single digits. On the stairmill at 5 am tears well up in my eyes because I'm proud. It's fucking hard I hate those damn ankle weights, and I don't want to be there...but it doesn't matter.  I'm proud of myself for sticking to something so regimented and I can hardly believe it. It's an awesome feeling.  I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT sometimes!!! :) It's so rewarding. Every woman should see every one of her abs at least once.  It's not all a vanity thing.  It's means a incredibly fulfilling  journey of discipline, drive, and determination.  And let's not forget that new profile pic. Duh. 

      That all being said I am really beyond thankful for my husband.  He is incredibly supportive of me  and this crazy shit takes a ton of resources which he doesn't complain about. I think he is proud of me and that means the most of anything. Luckily this time I was able to keep up with my other responsibilities way better too and manage my time with a bit more success. ( except this last week or so, it seems a bit iffy already). It was usually almost robotic and didn't effect my life nearly as much as the first rodeo. My kid also helps me so much around the house and is understanding and sweet. (however I did almost lose my shit when she walked in the house with a Mellow Mushroom box. That is my favorite. I kept it together though! Whew)  She is a little lifesaver most days. Im also beyond thankful for my friends. They work out with me on occasion and listen to me yap and bitch about whatever.  The girls at the gym keep me motivated. BOOTY WERK!! I'm thankful for a awesome trainer that is so positive.  Best workouts on earth no doubt.  It's all a great help and makes this process enjoyable. I didn't take myself seriously and I didn't stress or obsess over being perfect. I just trained like I love and tried to do everything else as good as I could. Ups, downs and everything in between I appreciate in some respect. No regrets.  Almost there, proud and thankful.  Very, very, VERY thankful for all of it.  I'm excited to see my progress from Junes show until now.  I think my backside actually grew a little. ;). WIN. 

Bring on the water restrictions.  Bring on a ton of carbs. I can almost smell the B.O and spray tan.  Let's go!!  Fun stuff!! Less then a week!!!  

Almost There Update

       Less then 3 weeks to go. I started this prep diet crap in mid January. As only the second time around I'm certainly not a veteran bodybuilder but it also wasn't as epic this time either. I guess it's cause I kinda know what to expect now. It is also missing a training buddy who will actually stick it out with me.  I'd like to say time has flown by but then I'd be a liar. Some days are tough, especially when other things around you might not be going that well.  Sometimes I wanted to quit. That was rare though.  I enjoy the training so much. I enjoy seeing my progress from last time around. I weighed 4 weeks out what I did when I started prep last season and I only have days to go. So I'm happy. Very happy.

        Well, that glorious moment I remember from last time has come. The doubt that sometimes creeps in is gone.  That moment when I look down and can't believe this body is mine.  My hard work and dedication can't be denied because it's right there screaming from the roof tops!! It all can't be denied by even my harshest critic....me.

 I can see every ab and suddenly it was all worth it.  Not so much because of the way I look for these few weeks, but more because of what this look means.  Setting goals and accomplishing them. Sticking it out through the good and the bad.  Not caring what a judge, society or anyone else thinks is beautiful, and embracing what awesomeness I built, because I could.

 I was a fuck up for so many years that it's nice to have that sense of pride in something. I'm not saying I don't fuck up ever now, but it's nothing like being an active raging alcoholic fuck up like I was back in the day.  Its way more plain and boring fuck ups now. Which is GOOD.

     Plus the addict in me probably helps me find some success in something like this.... One track mind, obsessing over getting all of it in, planning my days around one thing.  I mean looking back it was always something with me.  If it wasn't drinking, it was church.  If it wasn't church, it was AA. If it wasn't AA, it was cycling, if it wasn't cycling , it was CrossFit and so on. Always balls to the wall.  At least now I try to balance things a little better.  I still fail miserably sometimes, but it keeps getting better, and I'm more mindful of it now so... it's a WIN.  Thank God my husband is absolutely fantastic with all my mess!  Plus he's a really awesome athlete sponsor and being hot as hell doesn't hurt either. 

Progress, progress, progress.  Positive, positive, positive.  Learning, growing and always trying to move forward. 

I can't wait to get on that stage.  I will be up there posing with confidence next to all those big girls like I'm armed with a pro card.  I love it. It's so much fun up there. I can't wait to compare my pics from my first show with this one because I tried hard to get better and I think it will show.  Believe it or not I just do this weird madness for fun. So this go around has been pretty awesome. It seemed easier and less tiring for the most kart. This prep has definitely been another positive growing experience in many, many ways.  I can't wait to go out to eat with my family and order off the menu!! I can't wait to get that last thirsty hell week out of the way for a while! I can't wait to eat pizza in a blinged out bikini!!!!! Haha!! 

Have a great week! 

     

    

Doubt.

      It creeps in no matter what. At this point I have to assume its part of growing and learning.  I mean if my husband hears me say one more time that I don't think I'm losing weight fast enough he's going to freak.  You have 8 weeks Shayna. You are bigger. You are better. You look great.  Most of the time I know that, but I think it's human no matter where you are in your journey to have some doubts sometimes.  I think it's how you handle those doubts that's key.  

     I figure if we all wait around till we are performing where we ideally want too it will all pass us by.  I mean getting there is most of the fun ( for me anyway).  So whether it be running faster, signing up for the open, lifting heavier, climbing higher, or just growing a bootylicious ass, don't wait to participate.  If I waited to go on stage till my legs were as big as I wanted, I would miss out on YEARS of fun!! So get after it, you are your biggest critic so push those thoughts away and have fun going after whatever you are chasing.  

   Know it's normal to doubt yourself sometimes. I have to constantly repeat to myself " trust the process, trust the process" to get through some days.  Have FAITH. When doubt creeps in I remember how hard I work, and how much I love what I do, and how I hate excuses, and that I'm not perfect but I'm better, and before you know it I'm flexin in the bathroom mirror again with confidence. 

The New Years resolution bullshit has worn off for the majority.  Don't be the majority. Get after it.  Beat the shit out of the girl you were yesterday and thrive on.   Have a great week ( or month, I've been slack on the blogging!) 😜  

8 weeks out!! LETS GO GET IT!! 

Prep Is Near.

       HOLY SHIT!  Monday is the day. I can't believe it.  It went so fast and that stupid 6 week gallbladder recovery made it go even faster.  I'm happy though.  My legs still aren't nearly big enough but man they have come far.  I worked so hard and I'm proud of my progress.  Every two days I was in near tears at the squat rack or hack until I couldn't go anymore.  I did good and I will be happy to see what lies underneath my fluffy off season layers over the next 12 weeks.

   That being said I'm eating everything in sight.  Total crap too.  I'm seriously considering eating at Mellow Mushroom every single meal until Sunday.  Also my last meal will be brown sugar chicken nachos for sure. Luckily last weekend I had a surprise visit to Seattle to see my swolemate 4 life bestie...Amber. It was great.

We ate everything at Pikes Place Market and then some.  We worked out a ton.  It was great because I haven't seen her since the day after our last comp in June.  When I got home and back to my gym alone it sucked.  I cried doing lunges because I missed her all over again.  It was such a blessing to get to see her though.  AND PULLING A GIANT TRUCK AT RAINER CF WAS THE SHIT!! Such a great box! One of the originals and a strongman mecca... No complete douchiness like practically everywhere else.  It was a great visit! 

    I'm anxious and excited.  Last time around I had no idea what to expect.  Ignorant bliss I guess. I had no idea I would be curled up in the fetal position with my hood on dreaming of food. Eating super tiny portions of cold rice and beef patties with my fingers driving down Bragg Blvd everyday.  THE NEVER ENDING COOKING AND TUPPERWARE!  Now I know and it freaks me out a little!! I know I will love it though!  It will be nice to see my abs again!! 

Now if my neck and arms will let my legs catch up by April I would appreciate it!! ;) yeah right!! 

I hope your New Years is going great ANNNNNNND Have a great week! :)

Goals.

     With the New Year quickly approaching I've been thinking about goals.  Should we set goals for the prize or is it more about who we become while attaining them? I think it's mostly getting there that is important.  It's where your character comes in, and without that, not much else matters.

     So word on the street is I'm going to be a paleo challenge team captain on January first for CrossFit Sanford.  Let's use this 30 day challenge as an example.  So, is something like this supposed to be about the money you win, the inches or weight you lose or is it about something much bigger? I think it's about the process.  You see, it will get tough.  You will get tired and cranky and start detoxing from all that sugar and wheat.  You will start slobbering for cake and bread.  This is when it is time to shine.  You committed to a goal, so no matter how bad you want something ( or frankly feel like you need it because your body is soooooo addicted to it) you must ignore what you want. You made a commitment and even though no one else may be watching, you would know if you cheated.  When you fight that battle and you win the next battle is easier. You feel good and confident about yourself and you go into the next battle stronger then ever.  Then the battles get even easier until it just becomes habit.  When you give in and are constantly starting over it weighs on your conscience. It makes you feel like a piece of shit.  You feel guilty and it makes the goals you set much harder to attain in the future. Starting over is harder.  For sure. 

       The process makes you stronger.  The process builds character. Sometimes stumbling is part of the process, we just can't let that be what happens on the regular. Every time you win a battle on the way to your goal, no matter how big or small it may be, you are becoming way fucking better.  When things get tough and you stick it out the next challenge won't be nearly as hard.  30 days may turn into 60 or 90 or forever. 

      So I've been struggling just a bit with my upcoming goals.  Am I getting too muscular? Am I not muscular enough for WPD? Am I getting too fat? Are my legs ever going to fucking grow? Can I actually do that many comps in a row before I take a break? I mean having a leg day every three seconds is mentally getting tough. It's human nature for a bit of doubt to set in sometimes.   I just have to constantly remind myself that I'm doing the best I can.  I mean I do love it. I enjoy getting better at my weaknesses and I have a BLAST training hard. 

    I've been seeing people's reactions to me in restaurants and stores as my body changes. They whisper or stare.  It pisses me off because people gawk at me in a tank top but don't even notice the line of morbidly obese asses riding electric carts down the aisle. Apparently that is the new norm and I'm the freak. I decided that in my mind I have a goal about the upcoming season. I'm not going to let society or anyone else dictate what I want to be. I will take it one day at a time like anything else.   Beautiful to me might not be the same as it is to the masses. It doesn't matter. Time to put my nose down and accomplish what I set out to do. It's not ever the time to worry about what other people think. There may or may not be a trophy at the end of this but either way I will be better for it.  No doubt. 

I changed a ton getting to and staying committed to that last competition.  I've never been happier in my life and marriage because years ago we committed to make it work. I grow stronger each day that more sobriety time goes by.  It feels good to stay true to yourself and be proud of it. 

     You are strong.  Don't give in.  You are better then that. 

Pray I wake up Christmas morning and I am BLACK IN THE BACK and HAVE A GREAT WEEK!! 

YOU WEIGH WHAT?!?!!

      Yup.  I do!! 167 to be exact! I haven't weighed that much since I was pregnant. I mean I know most people would not look at me and go "God damn she is fat!" , but if you've known me for any length of time, you know for me...yeah I am. ( Disclaimer: I'm not calling myself fat in a derogatory way. I just weigh more then ever and this is how I write. I understand this is part of my game of globo ass GAINZZZZ, so please don't start with the fat is a bad thing crap.)  Im a monster biggie girl for sure. I'm eating a TON  and lifting heavy.  Honestly this chubby chubbton belly of mine is a good trade off.  I've always been the super tall skinny fat girl, and I hated it....well except that one year in high school when all I did was smoke weed and eat candy from the store I worked at, then I was just plain fat.  Even though this six pack of mine is hidden under some extra pounds right now, I don't care....THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD ANY KIND OF BOOTY!!!! HELL YEAH!!

     Anyway, this can't be the healthiest thing to do.  I'm sure I'm gaining tooooo much weight for off season... I dont know. It's fine.  I'm not surprised though cause it's ALWAYS all or nothing with me. EAT, EAT, EAT and drink gainer.  I'm just hoping there is a little more muscle left after I diet down then I had last competition. At the Golds Classic I was the thin stick physique girl of the top bunch. I looked great and getting there was my goal and for then I was happy with that. My goal still isn't a certain place or a first call out.  I'm not worried about national levels of any kind. My goal is to fight against these genetics like hell and have a bigger ass then I did in June. My goal is to NOT be the tall skinny physique girl this go around whatever competition it may be.  I want some of those girls to look at me all orange and greased up and think to themselves " that's my competion".  I WANT TO SEE IT WRITTEN ON THEIR FACES.   I work hard and I want that.  Just once. 

Me now and in June. 

So.... I'm a fatty...for now.  It's really not that many weeks until prep starts anyway.  December and January will fly by.  I think I may compete in April. Going in this time I have a better grasp on what's going to go down.  There's no dreams of staying super lean all year and never eating garbage when the competion is over.  In fact I'm brainstorming right now with my kid about what goal is next... Is it boxing, a cage fight or climbing a mountain? I don't know.  All I do know it's not a marathon.  I'm not squatting nearly 3 times a week to burn it all up! DUH!!! 

Training is going great and I'm trying to get my abs back into good shape after surgery.  They feel a bit weak still.  Other then that my lifts are through the roof, I guess fat people are stronger ;).  I had a great weekend in Atlanta with my husband.  BMW is good to us and we had a blast. Eat and train for your goals and have a great week...or two or three, I've been slack on the blogging. ;)