Almost There Update

       Less then 3 weeks to go. I started this prep diet crap in mid January. As only the second time around I'm certainly not a veteran bodybuilder but it also wasn't as epic this time either. I guess it's cause I kinda know what to expect now. It is also missing a training buddy who will actually stick it out with me.  I'd like to say time has flown by but then I'd be a liar. Some days are tough, especially when other things around you might not be going that well.  Sometimes I wanted to quit. That was rare though.  I enjoy the training so much. I enjoy seeing my progress from last time around. I weighed 4 weeks out what I did when I started prep last season and I only have days to go. So I'm happy. Very happy.

        Well, that glorious moment I remember from last time has come. The doubt that sometimes creeps in is gone.  That moment when I look down and can't believe this body is mine.  My hard work and dedication can't be denied because it's right there screaming from the roof tops!! It all can't be denied by even my harshest critic....me.

 I can see every ab and suddenly it was all worth it.  Not so much because of the way I look for these few weeks, but more because of what this look means.  Setting goals and accomplishing them. Sticking it out through the good and the bad.  Not caring what a judge, society or anyone else thinks is beautiful, and embracing what awesomeness I built, because I could.

 I was a fuck up for so many years that it's nice to have that sense of pride in something. I'm not saying I don't fuck up ever now, but it's nothing like being an active raging alcoholic fuck up like I was back in the day.  Its way more plain and boring fuck ups now. Which is GOOD.

     Plus the addict in me probably helps me find some success in something like this.... One track mind, obsessing over getting all of it in, planning my days around one thing.  I mean looking back it was always something with me.  If it wasn't drinking, it was church.  If it wasn't church, it was AA. If it wasn't AA, it was cycling, if it wasn't cycling , it was CrossFit and so on. Always balls to the wall.  At least now I try to balance things a little better.  I still fail miserably sometimes, but it keeps getting better, and I'm more mindful of it now so... it's a WIN.  Thank God my husband is absolutely fantastic with all my mess!  Plus he's a really awesome athlete sponsor and being hot as hell doesn't hurt either. 

Progress, progress, progress.  Positive, positive, positive.  Learning, growing and always trying to move forward. 

I can't wait to get on that stage.  I will be up there posing with confidence next to all those big girls like I'm armed with a pro card.  I love it. It's so much fun up there. I can't wait to compare my pics from my first show with this one because I tried hard to get better and I think it will show.  Believe it or not I just do this weird madness for fun. So this go around has been pretty awesome. It seemed easier and less tiring for the most kart. This prep has definitely been another positive growing experience in many, many ways.  I can't wait to go out to eat with my family and order off the menu!! I can't wait to get that last thirsty hell week out of the way for a while! I can't wait to eat pizza in a blinged out bikini!!!!! Haha!! 

Have a great week! 

     

    

Doubt.

      It creeps in no matter what. At this point I have to assume its part of growing and learning.  I mean if my husband hears me say one more time that I don't think I'm losing weight fast enough he's going to freak.  You have 8 weeks Shayna. You are bigger. You are better. You look great.  Most of the time I know that, but I think it's human no matter where you are in your journey to have some doubts sometimes.  I think it's how you handle those doubts that's key.  

     I figure if we all wait around till we are performing where we ideally want too it will all pass us by.  I mean getting there is most of the fun ( for me anyway).  So whether it be running faster, signing up for the open, lifting heavier, climbing higher, or just growing a bootylicious ass, don't wait to participate.  If I waited to go on stage till my legs were as big as I wanted, I would miss out on YEARS of fun!! So get after it, you are your biggest critic so push those thoughts away and have fun going after whatever you are chasing.  

   Know it's normal to doubt yourself sometimes. I have to constantly repeat to myself " trust the process, trust the process" to get through some days.  Have FAITH. When doubt creeps in I remember how hard I work, and how much I love what I do, and how I hate excuses, and that I'm not perfect but I'm better, and before you know it I'm flexin in the bathroom mirror again with confidence. 

The New Years resolution bullshit has worn off for the majority.  Don't be the majority. Get after it.  Beat the shit out of the girl you were yesterday and thrive on.   Have a great week ( or month, I've been slack on the blogging!) 😜  

8 weeks out!! LETS GO GET IT!! 

Prep Is Near.

       HOLY SHIT!  Monday is the day. I can't believe it.  It went so fast and that stupid 6 week gallbladder recovery made it go even faster.  I'm happy though.  My legs still aren't nearly big enough but man they have come far.  I worked so hard and I'm proud of my progress.  Every two days I was in near tears at the squat rack or hack until I couldn't go anymore.  I did good and I will be happy to see what lies underneath my fluffy off season layers over the next 12 weeks.

   That being said I'm eating everything in sight.  Total crap too.  I'm seriously considering eating at Mellow Mushroom every single meal until Sunday.  Also my last meal will be brown sugar chicken nachos for sure. Luckily last weekend I had a surprise visit to Seattle to see my swolemate 4 life bestie...Amber. It was great.

We ate everything at Pikes Place Market and then some.  We worked out a ton.  It was great because I haven't seen her since the day after our last comp in June.  When I got home and back to my gym alone it sucked.  I cried doing lunges because I missed her all over again.  It was such a blessing to get to see her though.  AND PULLING A GIANT TRUCK AT RAINER CF WAS THE SHIT!! Such a great box! One of the originals and a strongman mecca... No complete douchiness like practically everywhere else.  It was a great visit! 

    I'm anxious and excited.  Last time around I had no idea what to expect.  Ignorant bliss I guess. I had no idea I would be curled up in the fetal position with my hood on dreaming of food. Eating super tiny portions of cold rice and beef patties with my fingers driving down Bragg Blvd everyday.  THE NEVER ENDING COOKING AND TUPPERWARE!  Now I know and it freaks me out a little!! I know I will love it though!  It will be nice to see my abs again!! 

Now if my neck and arms will let my legs catch up by April I would appreciate it!! ;) yeah right!! 

I hope your New Years is going great ANNNNNNND Have a great week! :)

Goals.

     With the New Year quickly approaching I've been thinking about goals.  Should we set goals for the prize or is it more about who we become while attaining them? I think it's mostly getting there that is important.  It's where your character comes in, and without that, not much else matters.

     So word on the street is I'm going to be a paleo challenge team captain on January first for CrossFit Sanford.  Let's use this 30 day challenge as an example.  So, is something like this supposed to be about the money you win, the inches or weight you lose or is it about something much bigger? I think it's about the process.  You see, it will get tough.  You will get tired and cranky and start detoxing from all that sugar and wheat.  You will start slobbering for cake and bread.  This is when it is time to shine.  You committed to a goal, so no matter how bad you want something ( or frankly feel like you need it because your body is soooooo addicted to it) you must ignore what you want. You made a commitment and even though no one else may be watching, you would know if you cheated.  When you fight that battle and you win the next battle is easier. You feel good and confident about yourself and you go into the next battle stronger then ever.  Then the battles get even easier until it just becomes habit.  When you give in and are constantly starting over it weighs on your conscience. It makes you feel like a piece of shit.  You feel guilty and it makes the goals you set much harder to attain in the future. Starting over is harder.  For sure. 

       The process makes you stronger.  The process builds character. Sometimes stumbling is part of the process, we just can't let that be what happens on the regular. Every time you win a battle on the way to your goal, no matter how big or small it may be, you are becoming way fucking better.  When things get tough and you stick it out the next challenge won't be nearly as hard.  30 days may turn into 60 or 90 or forever. 

      So I've been struggling just a bit with my upcoming goals.  Am I getting too muscular? Am I not muscular enough for WPD? Am I getting too fat? Are my legs ever going to fucking grow? Can I actually do that many comps in a row before I take a break? I mean having a leg day every three seconds is mentally getting tough. It's human nature for a bit of doubt to set in sometimes.   I just have to constantly remind myself that I'm doing the best I can.  I mean I do love it. I enjoy getting better at my weaknesses and I have a BLAST training hard. 

    I've been seeing people's reactions to me in restaurants and stores as my body changes. They whisper or stare.  It pisses me off because people gawk at me in a tank top but don't even notice the line of morbidly obese asses riding electric carts down the aisle. Apparently that is the new norm and I'm the freak. I decided that in my mind I have a goal about the upcoming season. I'm not going to let society or anyone else dictate what I want to be. I will take it one day at a time like anything else.   Beautiful to me might not be the same as it is to the masses. It doesn't matter. Time to put my nose down and accomplish what I set out to do. It's not ever the time to worry about what other people think. There may or may not be a trophy at the end of this but either way I will be better for it.  No doubt. 

I changed a ton getting to and staying committed to that last competition.  I've never been happier in my life and marriage because years ago we committed to make it work. I grow stronger each day that more sobriety time goes by.  It feels good to stay true to yourself and be proud of it. 

     You are strong.  Don't give in.  You are better then that. 

Pray I wake up Christmas morning and I am BLACK IN THE BACK and HAVE A GREAT WEEK!! 

YOU WEIGH WHAT?!?!!

      Yup.  I do!! 167 to be exact! I haven't weighed that much since I was pregnant. I mean I know most people would not look at me and go "God damn she is fat!" , but if you've known me for any length of time, you know for me...yeah I am. ( Disclaimer: I'm not calling myself fat in a derogatory way. I just weigh more then ever and this is how I write. I understand this is part of my game of globo ass GAINZZZZ, so please don't start with the fat is a bad thing crap.)  Im a monster biggie girl for sure. I'm eating a TON  and lifting heavy.  Honestly this chubby chubbton belly of mine is a good trade off.  I've always been the super tall skinny fat girl, and I hated it....well except that one year in high school when all I did was smoke weed and eat candy from the store I worked at, then I was just plain fat.  Even though this six pack of mine is hidden under some extra pounds right now, I don't care....THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD ANY KIND OF BOOTY!!!! HELL YEAH!!

     Anyway, this can't be the healthiest thing to do.  I'm sure I'm gaining tooooo much weight for off season... I dont know. It's fine.  I'm not surprised though cause it's ALWAYS all or nothing with me. EAT, EAT, EAT and drink gainer.  I'm just hoping there is a little more muscle left after I diet down then I had last competition. At the Golds Classic I was the thin stick physique girl of the top bunch. I looked great and getting there was my goal and for then I was happy with that. My goal still isn't a certain place or a first call out.  I'm not worried about national levels of any kind. My goal is to fight against these genetics like hell and have a bigger ass then I did in June. My goal is to NOT be the tall skinny physique girl this go around whatever competition it may be.  I want some of those girls to look at me all orange and greased up and think to themselves " that's my competion".  I WANT TO SEE IT WRITTEN ON THEIR FACES.   I work hard and I want that.  Just once. 

Me now and in June. 

So.... I'm a fatty...for now.  It's really not that many weeks until prep starts anyway.  December and January will fly by.  I think I may compete in April. Going in this time I have a better grasp on what's going to go down.  There's no dreams of staying super lean all year and never eating garbage when the competion is over.  In fact I'm brainstorming right now with my kid about what goal is next... Is it boxing, a cage fight or climbing a mountain? I don't know.  All I do know it's not a marathon.  I'm not squatting nearly 3 times a week to burn it all up! DUH!!! 

Training is going great and I'm trying to get my abs back into good shape after surgery.  They feel a bit weak still.  Other then that my lifts are through the roof, I guess fat people are stronger ;).  I had a great weekend in Atlanta with my husband.  BMW is good to us and we had a blast. Eat and train for your goals and have a great week...or two or three, I've been slack on the blogging. ;)

      

One Year.

      It's been a year exactly since my dad passed away.  He's the whole reason this fitness journey, this blogging and this attitude change started.  I feel like I would be doing myself an injustice, if after all this, I didn't document how the whole mourning process went over this year.  I'm not a life coach ( although believe it or not some crazies message me and think I am.) I'm not a shrink or an expert on death or how you should mourn. In fact I'm not an expert at anything but working out and doing most other things half ass.  I do know what has happened to me over this year emotionally, and how I was effected, so that's the story I can tell. Maybe someone out there can relate or maybe I'm just a weirdo, whatever.  I'm sure this will get long winded so feel free to turn back now. Here goes.....

      You can take a quick visit here before I go on if you like (http://crossfittfigurecompgirl.blogspot.com/2013/05/some-reflections-on-this-journey-and.html     ).  That way you got a recap and you understand what happened and how close we were if you didn't already know the story. I mean for a quarter century we only had each other.

     Early last November I remember the last day he smiled at me. I was over joyed and hopeful that he woke up for a little while.

 

 I will never forget it.  He was always so happy, laughing and smiling all the time no matter what. It was contagious. Then the morning of 17th as I sat there in hospice at the nursing home, holding his arm, my cheek on him, I watched him take his last breath. It was amazing. It was an honor. You could just feel the peace as it moved through the room. The sun began to come up and shine through the window. It was like the angels came to take him for me and my worry was gone.  I was relieved for him and happy he was not suffering.  I was tired.  And I expected to sob and sob but I didn't. I stopped and got a flu shot ( weird I know, I'm surprised I didn't stop for a pap smear too) and went home and slept for hours and hours. 

          Still no REAL crying.  I was angry though.  Very fucking angry and I was looking for anything or one to take it out on! Luckily that passed quickly. I even did things like adopt another dog and do this fitness competition to fill the void. Days and days turned into weeks and there was still no giant cry.  I began to feel very guilty over it. In fact one night it consumed me to the point where Greg called the hospice therapist on call.  I've ignored them every time they have reached out at this point because I felt I didn't need it.  I'm stubborn and I'd rather joke about things then really deal. I talked to her for a while, she was great, she made sure I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong and she assured me that one day the break down would come. She was right as rain and it poured....

      On they way home from regular activities I began to get choked up and anxious and then suddenly while driving down Ramsey St, the bottom fell out.  I can remember the song that was on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfpVKycFulk All I could think was I wanted to go back and I wanted time to slow down. I've never cried like that in my life.  My heart hurt so bad I wasn't sure I was going to survive.  My husband called me right in the middle of all this and it's like he knew it was coming.  "Pull over Shayna". " No I'm almost home".  He assured me he was on his way.  When he got there I was still balling and sobbing.  He held me and let me cry for what seemed to be an eternity and then like always I slept. It was excruciating, but at least it finally did happened and the guilt was gone. 

       You see people assured me it would get easier as time went by.  I know it is, but honestly it doesn't really feel like that at some moments. I cry more now since the big breakdown then I ever did before.  Thankfully these moments are short lived even if it may be almost everyday. You see, a little reminder of something he loved, or a song or a picture or driving past his home can just bring me to tears. I just want a hug from him.  I can just think of him right now and tears will well up in my eyes.  Luckily when the tears come now they are usually accompanied with a smile and a great memory.  Not many people get the privilege of a relationship like my dad and I had.  Not many at all.  It's the kind of shit people write movies and books about because its so fucking magnificent. No wonder my heart hurts so bad.  

      It wasn't just him either that went bad this year.  I mean I have a great life and I need nothing.  My husband provides for us like a champ and our family is incredibly blessed. I honestly am extremely happy everyday and have to basically pinch myself sometimes. Most normal days my biggest decision is to go to the gym again or nap...  But this year I was also slammed with people leaving.  My BFF who helped me take care of my dad, and was there for us both so much  ( we grew up together in PA and found each other again in Ft Bragg) had to move to a different base in Kansas.  DEVASTATED. I WAS DEVASTATED.  Then just a couple months later my buddy beyond any other buddy had to go back to Washington state for the army!  I WAS A TRAIN WRECK. I STILL AM. So we trained together everyday, spent hours together every morning and she was gone too.  Fucking army.  So even though I'm not alone..... I know I have great friends and family...This year still felt pretty damn lonely. 

     Losing people sucks. Duh. I don't keep as many close relationships as I did when I was younger because quality wins out.  It's ok though. I'm a big girl and we do cry sometimes. I know my friends not being in town didn't help this mourning process of mine. I guess mourning is different for everyone. Maybe some people have the big cry right away or constantly for weeks. Or maybe some people just stay angry forever.  I don't know.  I know this has all made me stronger and I step back and look at it all and feel incredibly lucky.   For me to get so upset over these relationships means they are absolutely priceless and can never be replaced.  People wait their entire lives for something so special to come along and some never get it.  Luckily I get to visit my best friends once in a while and keep up with them on the daily.  As far as my dad is concerned it brings me great peace to know that he's looking down on me proud as hell. I know he is proud of the woman I have become.  He keeps sending great blessings our way and I'm happier with my life then I ever could of imagined a few years ago. No doubt. 

I donated my dad to Duke University Medical School.  He was a teacher himself and would want good to come out of his passing. He always insisted on not having any big service or anything and he wants his ashes dumped in the Mon river. Which by the way is HYSTERICAL! He was so funny.  I joke with Greg all the time that we are going to come home and Norm is going to be waiting for us on the porch... In a box...from Duke..USPS.   Haha!  He could arrive anytime now and we will immediately head to PA to fulfill his wishes. I know he would of wanted to help others who are sick.  He was a great man and he gave a great gift. 

Stormin Norman you are missed beyond words.  I love you Dad!!! :)  

      

I Didn't Die?...

      Holy shit I made it!! It wasn't as bad as I thought..or maybe it was.  I mean, after surgery I did sit on the couch in the same sweat shirt for like 2 1/2 weeks, watching nothing but Maury and Jerry Springer, and ate only bread and candy.  I was in a bad way, no doubt.  My legs were so hairy and I didn't smell the best either.

But it went fast. I pulled myself out of my funk and started going to the gym just to get on the stairmill. I'm now lifting light and back on a good schedule. Only 2 weeks from Monday and I will have the green light to go heavy. I'm so excited I may burst!! It's consuming me!! Next competition season is right around the corner!!  Bring it on holidays because after you pass I may find myself eating every three hours out of Tupperware for like 5 months straight ;) sounds miserably AWESOME!!!!! Wooohoooooo!!!!

    My diet sucks but whatever.  I'm at peace with my off season self.  Even with so many weeks off for that stupid gallbladder.  I feel great after resting so long at least!

Pizza tastes good, biscuits taste good, snickers taste good.  I still eat really high quality meals for the most part but I'm not holding back on crap right now either.  Bring it!  Anyway, it took me a while to unfuck my mind from thinking that I needed to look competition ready all the time.  I'm definitely all the way over it now and the other day at CrossFit proved it.  All I kept thinking while I was jump roping and lunging for 40 minutes was " Thank God I'm not covered in sweet sweat and layers of clothes. I'm so happy I can feel things jiggle when I jump. My boobs are giant! I feel strong and voluptuous!" And I do.  But I also can't wait till my body starts changing again sometime after the holidays. It's so fucking cool and who the hell doesn't want 8 pack ABZZZZZZ?!?!! Duh!!!

      I guess my point is, do what makes you happy and feels good.  Don't worry about others and thinking they may be whispering things like, " she has gained some weight" or " I hope she doesn't get to much more manly muscle" or "you'd think she'd be further along by now with her lifts". It's probably mostly in your head anyway. 

Eat and train for YOUR goals and prepare for some bumps along the way, just dont let them get you down ( at least for too long anyway, JERRY SPRINGER SHOW NO SHOWER SHAYNA!!AHHHHHH!!!!).  Remember where you started and how far you've come. Don't focus too much on how much further you need to go.  If you do you may end up like me having nightmares that you look down and your legs are ACTUAL chicken legs.  I'm a lunatic ;).

 2 weeks till squats.  Lets see if I can blow my last competition pics out of the water.  I bet I can.  

Don't stress, learn to love your ever changing self, every battle you win wether it is big or super small counts and have a great week!!!