Goals.

     With the New Year quickly approaching I've been thinking about goals.  Should we set goals for the prize or is it more about who we become while attaining them? I think it's mostly getting there that is important.  It's where your character comes in, and without that, not much else matters.

     So word on the street is I'm going to be a paleo challenge team captain on January first for CrossFit Sanford.  Let's use this 30 day challenge as an example.  So, is something like this supposed to be about the money you win, the inches or weight you lose or is it about something much bigger? I think it's about the process.  You see, it will get tough.  You will get tired and cranky and start detoxing from all that sugar and wheat.  You will start slobbering for cake and bread.  This is when it is time to shine.  You committed to a goal, so no matter how bad you want something ( or frankly feel like you need it because your body is soooooo addicted to it) you must ignore what you want. You made a commitment and even though no one else may be watching, you would know if you cheated.  When you fight that battle and you win the next battle is easier. You feel good and confident about yourself and you go into the next battle stronger then ever.  Then the battles get even easier until it just becomes habit.  When you give in and are constantly starting over it weighs on your conscience. It makes you feel like a piece of shit.  You feel guilty and it makes the goals you set much harder to attain in the future. Starting over is harder.  For sure. 

       The process makes you stronger.  The process builds character. Sometimes stumbling is part of the process, we just can't let that be what happens on the regular. Every time you win a battle on the way to your goal, no matter how big or small it may be, you are becoming way fucking better.  When things get tough and you stick it out the next challenge won't be nearly as hard.  30 days may turn into 60 or 90 or forever. 

      So I've been struggling just a bit with my upcoming goals.  Am I getting too muscular? Am I not muscular enough for WPD? Am I getting too fat? Are my legs ever going to fucking grow? Can I actually do that many comps in a row before I take a break? I mean having a leg day every three seconds is mentally getting tough. It's human nature for a bit of doubt to set in sometimes.   I just have to constantly remind myself that I'm doing the best I can.  I mean I do love it. I enjoy getting better at my weaknesses and I have a BLAST training hard. 

    I've been seeing people's reactions to me in restaurants and stores as my body changes. They whisper or stare.  It pisses me off because people gawk at me in a tank top but don't even notice the line of morbidly obese asses riding electric carts down the aisle. Apparently that is the new norm and I'm the freak. I decided that in my mind I have a goal about the upcoming season. I'm not going to let society or anyone else dictate what I want to be. I will take it one day at a time like anything else.   Beautiful to me might not be the same as it is to the masses. It doesn't matter. Time to put my nose down and accomplish what I set out to do. It's not ever the time to worry about what other people think. There may or may not be a trophy at the end of this but either way I will be better for it.  No doubt. 

I changed a ton getting to and staying committed to that last competition.  I've never been happier in my life and marriage because years ago we committed to make it work. I grow stronger each day that more sobriety time goes by.  It feels good to stay true to yourself and be proud of it. 

     You are strong.  Don't give in.  You are better then that. 

Pray I wake up Christmas morning and I am BLACK IN THE BACK and HAVE A GREAT WEEK!! 

YOU WEIGH WHAT?!?!!

      Yup.  I do!! 167 to be exact! I haven't weighed that much since I was pregnant. I mean I know most people would not look at me and go "God damn she is fat!" , but if you've known me for any length of time, you know for me...yeah I am. ( Disclaimer: I'm not calling myself fat in a derogatory way. I just weigh more then ever and this is how I write. I understand this is part of my game of globo ass GAINZZZZ, so please don't start with the fat is a bad thing crap.)  Im a monster biggie girl for sure. I'm eating a TON  and lifting heavy.  Honestly this chubby chubbton belly of mine is a good trade off.  I've always been the super tall skinny fat girl, and I hated it....well except that one year in high school when all I did was smoke weed and eat candy from the store I worked at, then I was just plain fat.  Even though this six pack of mine is hidden under some extra pounds right now, I don't care....THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD ANY KIND OF BOOTY!!!! HELL YEAH!!

     Anyway, this can't be the healthiest thing to do.  I'm sure I'm gaining tooooo much weight for off season... I dont know. It's fine.  I'm not surprised though cause it's ALWAYS all or nothing with me. EAT, EAT, EAT and drink gainer.  I'm just hoping there is a little more muscle left after I diet down then I had last competition. At the Golds Classic I was the thin stick physique girl of the top bunch. I looked great and getting there was my goal and for then I was happy with that. My goal still isn't a certain place or a first call out.  I'm not worried about national levels of any kind. My goal is to fight against these genetics like hell and have a bigger ass then I did in June. My goal is to NOT be the tall skinny physique girl this go around whatever competition it may be.  I want some of those girls to look at me all orange and greased up and think to themselves " that's my competion".  I WANT TO SEE IT WRITTEN ON THEIR FACES.   I work hard and I want that.  Just once. 

Me now and in June. 

So.... I'm a fatty...for now.  It's really not that many weeks until prep starts anyway.  December and January will fly by.  I think I may compete in April. Going in this time I have a better grasp on what's going to go down.  There's no dreams of staying super lean all year and never eating garbage when the competion is over.  In fact I'm brainstorming right now with my kid about what goal is next... Is it boxing, a cage fight or climbing a mountain? I don't know.  All I do know it's not a marathon.  I'm not squatting nearly 3 times a week to burn it all up! DUH!!! 

Training is going great and I'm trying to get my abs back into good shape after surgery.  They feel a bit weak still.  Other then that my lifts are through the roof, I guess fat people are stronger ;).  I had a great weekend in Atlanta with my husband.  BMW is good to us and we had a blast. Eat and train for your goals and have a great week...or two or three, I've been slack on the blogging. ;)

      

One Year.

      It's been a year exactly since my dad passed away.  He's the whole reason this fitness journey, this blogging and this attitude change started.  I feel like I would be doing myself an injustice, if after all this, I didn't document how the whole mourning process went over this year.  I'm not a life coach ( although believe it or not some crazies message me and think I am.) I'm not a shrink or an expert on death or how you should mourn. In fact I'm not an expert at anything but working out and doing most other things half ass.  I do know what has happened to me over this year emotionally, and how I was effected, so that's the story I can tell. Maybe someone out there can relate or maybe I'm just a weirdo, whatever.  I'm sure this will get long winded so feel free to turn back now. Here goes.....

      You can take a quick visit here before I go on if you like (http://crossfittfigurecompgirl.blogspot.com/2013/05/some-reflections-on-this-journey-and.html     ).  That way you got a recap and you understand what happened and how close we were if you didn't already know the story. I mean for a quarter century we only had each other.

     Early last November I remember the last day he smiled at me. I was over joyed and hopeful that he woke up for a little while.

 

 I will never forget it.  He was always so happy, laughing and smiling all the time no matter what. It was contagious. Then the morning of 17th as I sat there in hospice at the nursing home, holding his arm, my cheek on him, I watched him take his last breath. It was amazing. It was an honor. You could just feel the peace as it moved through the room. The sun began to come up and shine through the window. It was like the angels came to take him for me and my worry was gone.  I was relieved for him and happy he was not suffering.  I was tired.  And I expected to sob and sob but I didn't. I stopped and got a flu shot ( weird I know, I'm surprised I didn't stop for a pap smear too) and went home and slept for hours and hours. 

          Still no REAL crying.  I was angry though.  Very fucking angry and I was looking for anything or one to take it out on! Luckily that passed quickly. I even did things like adopt another dog and do this fitness competition to fill the void. Days and days turned into weeks and there was still no giant cry.  I began to feel very guilty over it. In fact one night it consumed me to the point where Greg called the hospice therapist on call.  I've ignored them every time they have reached out at this point because I felt I didn't need it.  I'm stubborn and I'd rather joke about things then really deal. I talked to her for a while, she was great, she made sure I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong and she assured me that one day the break down would come. She was right as rain and it poured....

      On they way home from regular activities I began to get choked up and anxious and then suddenly while driving down Ramsey St, the bottom fell out.  I can remember the song that was on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfpVKycFulk All I could think was I wanted to go back and I wanted time to slow down. I've never cried like that in my life.  My heart hurt so bad I wasn't sure I was going to survive.  My husband called me right in the middle of all this and it's like he knew it was coming.  "Pull over Shayna". " No I'm almost home".  He assured me he was on his way.  When he got there I was still balling and sobbing.  He held me and let me cry for what seemed to be an eternity and then like always I slept. It was excruciating, but at least it finally did happened and the guilt was gone. 

       You see people assured me it would get easier as time went by.  I know it is, but honestly it doesn't really feel like that at some moments. I cry more now since the big breakdown then I ever did before.  Thankfully these moments are short lived even if it may be almost everyday. You see, a little reminder of something he loved, or a song or a picture or driving past his home can just bring me to tears. I just want a hug from him.  I can just think of him right now and tears will well up in my eyes.  Luckily when the tears come now they are usually accompanied with a smile and a great memory.  Not many people get the privilege of a relationship like my dad and I had.  Not many at all.  It's the kind of shit people write movies and books about because its so fucking magnificent. No wonder my heart hurts so bad.  

      It wasn't just him either that went bad this year.  I mean I have a great life and I need nothing.  My husband provides for us like a champ and our family is incredibly blessed. I honestly am extremely happy everyday and have to basically pinch myself sometimes. Most normal days my biggest decision is to go to the gym again or nap...  But this year I was also slammed with people leaving.  My BFF who helped me take care of my dad, and was there for us both so much  ( we grew up together in PA and found each other again in Ft Bragg) had to move to a different base in Kansas.  DEVASTATED. I WAS DEVASTATED.  Then just a couple months later my buddy beyond any other buddy had to go back to Washington state for the army!  I WAS A TRAIN WRECK. I STILL AM. So we trained together everyday, spent hours together every morning and she was gone too.  Fucking army.  So even though I'm not alone..... I know I have great friends and family...This year still felt pretty damn lonely. 

     Losing people sucks. Duh. I don't keep as many close relationships as I did when I was younger because quality wins out.  It's ok though. I'm a big girl and we do cry sometimes. I know my friends not being in town didn't help this mourning process of mine. I guess mourning is different for everyone. Maybe some people have the big cry right away or constantly for weeks. Or maybe some people just stay angry forever.  I don't know.  I know this has all made me stronger and I step back and look at it all and feel incredibly lucky.   For me to get so upset over these relationships means they are absolutely priceless and can never be replaced.  People wait their entire lives for something so special to come along and some never get it.  Luckily I get to visit my best friends once in a while and keep up with them on the daily.  As far as my dad is concerned it brings me great peace to know that he's looking down on me proud as hell. I know he is proud of the woman I have become.  He keeps sending great blessings our way and I'm happier with my life then I ever could of imagined a few years ago. No doubt. 

I donated my dad to Duke University Medical School.  He was a teacher himself and would want good to come out of his passing. He always insisted on not having any big service or anything and he wants his ashes dumped in the Mon river. Which by the way is HYSTERICAL! He was so funny.  I joke with Greg all the time that we are going to come home and Norm is going to be waiting for us on the porch... In a box...from Duke..USPS.   Haha!  He could arrive anytime now and we will immediately head to PA to fulfill his wishes. I know he would of wanted to help others who are sick.  He was a great man and he gave a great gift. 

Stormin Norman you are missed beyond words.  I love you Dad!!! :)  

      

I Didn't Die?...

      Holy shit I made it!! It wasn't as bad as I thought..or maybe it was.  I mean, after surgery I did sit on the couch in the same sweat shirt for like 2 1/2 weeks, watching nothing but Maury and Jerry Springer, and ate only bread and candy.  I was in a bad way, no doubt.  My legs were so hairy and I didn't smell the best either.

But it went fast. I pulled myself out of my funk and started going to the gym just to get on the stairmill. I'm now lifting light and back on a good schedule. Only 2 weeks from Monday and I will have the green light to go heavy. I'm so excited I may burst!! It's consuming me!! Next competition season is right around the corner!!  Bring it on holidays because after you pass I may find myself eating every three hours out of Tupperware for like 5 months straight ;) sounds miserably AWESOME!!!!! Wooohoooooo!!!!

    My diet sucks but whatever.  I'm at peace with my off season self.  Even with so many weeks off for that stupid gallbladder.  I feel great after resting so long at least!

Pizza tastes good, biscuits taste good, snickers taste good.  I still eat really high quality meals for the most part but I'm not holding back on crap right now either.  Bring it!  Anyway, it took me a while to unfuck my mind from thinking that I needed to look competition ready all the time.  I'm definitely all the way over it now and the other day at CrossFit proved it.  All I kept thinking while I was jump roping and lunging for 40 minutes was " Thank God I'm not covered in sweet sweat and layers of clothes. I'm so happy I can feel things jiggle when I jump. My boobs are giant! I feel strong and voluptuous!" And I do.  But I also can't wait till my body starts changing again sometime after the holidays. It's so fucking cool and who the hell doesn't want 8 pack ABZZZZZZ?!?!! Duh!!!

      I guess my point is, do what makes you happy and feels good.  Don't worry about others and thinking they may be whispering things like, " she has gained some weight" or " I hope she doesn't get to much more manly muscle" or "you'd think she'd be further along by now with her lifts". It's probably mostly in your head anyway. 

Eat and train for YOUR goals and prepare for some bumps along the way, just dont let them get you down ( at least for too long anyway, JERRY SPRINGER SHOW NO SHOWER SHAYNA!!AHHHHHH!!!!).  Remember where you started and how far you've come. Don't focus too much on how much further you need to go.  If you do you may end up like me having nightmares that you look down and your legs are ACTUAL chicken legs.  I'm a lunatic ;).

 2 weeks till squats.  Lets see if I can blow my last competition pics out of the water.  I bet I can.  

Don't stress, learn to love your ever changing self, every battle you win wether it is big or super small counts and have a great week!!! 

My Name Is ____ And I'm Proud Of It All.

       

     No fucking doubt....as some of you already know fitness fills a void of alcohol for me and I've been gratefully sober for years now. So I'm home from a awesome vacation and the impending doom of this gallbladder coming out is kinda like a black cloud hanging over me....T minus 6 days but I'm ready to get this show on the road! 

     I'm obsessing about not being able to work out for 6 weeks...bad.  Really bad.  It's normal for me though. Once an addict always one FO SHO!  It's nice that I'm healthy enough mentally at this point in my life to realize what's going on though and handle it accordingly. I'm very thankful for that and I'm proud of it.  Which brings me to my point.  This past week has been amazing and I've had a minute to reflect on it. I've been to Venice rubbing elbows with everyone from company executives to service techs. I've been to my husbands high school reunion and actually enjoyed meeting everyone. It doesn't matter who I sit down with or where. I can kill it in the middle of Europe at a five star resort or at a cruddy coffee shop down the street.  I can remember years ago when anything like this would of made me nervous and uncomfortable and I would just shut down.  When I relied on my husband to do everything down to a simple phone call. Never again and here's why.  I love myself and I'm proud of who I am and where I came from doesn't matter the situation. I love walking into a room and dominating it. The people that truly matter love me being me, soooooo, whether I'm around the pope or a homeless guy on the corner of Ramsey St, I am who I am and they can take it or leave it, either way I'm going to act the same. 

      When you stop caring what others think you will thrive as your own person and people will end up flocking to you. You automatically start changing for the better when you think positively about yourself.  I may not be a rocket scientist or some kind of millionaire financeiere but I am who I am and this skin is the most comfortable on earth to me now. I'm proud of my lows, and believe me there were some pretty dark days. They have brought me to these highs of happiness and I look around at my husband and child and have to pinch myself sometimes.  I can't believe how happy I am and im so thankful that we didn't pussy out and we worked hard to change and make our life completely awesome.   None of this started happening until I started treating myself right and being proud of me. Having confidence no matter the situation.   Doesn't matter if you are a house wife, a hooker or doctor.  Take pride in it, be yourself and everything will fall into pace.  At first it is work and then it just happens. 

     Now time for me to put my head down and take this opportunity of workout hiatus to grow stronger mentally and regrain focus.  I need to remind myself that's it's not that bad of a hand to be delt so I need to think positive about my 6 week "rest".    Oh boy..... Ugh....

Be yourself, don't try to act like someone you aren't,  and remember:  lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep.  Ever. 

Have a great week! 

      

 Ps: I do need to mention that I am detoxing from all my crap food right now therefore attempting to not get a murder charge tonight.... Seriously.  It's bad.  Wish my family luck!!

Please check out my page :) THX!!

www.facebook.com/MeatheadMama

     

How Off Is Off Season?

      How off should off season be?  I mean I guess in a perfect world we would hit the gym beyond hard everyday and stick to an off season diet.  I don't though.  I mean come on. I want to have a good time! Hobbies are supposed to be enjoyable and i have to try my best to not constantly obsess or over compete. I had the perception that I was  going to stay all trim and cut after I was in prep mode but NO WAY!!! Being a off season fatty is fun and trying to grow big muscles is even more fun!  Honestly its not like I'm actually fat anyways and I feel great and you can still see a couple abs when i stand up!! I mean, I just made that paleo blackberry cobbler my bitch and then I'm gonna squat tomorrow at sets over 200#...now that is what I'm talkin bout!!! 

      I can't wait to do another competition though.  I am not happy that getting this gallbladder out is putting a wrench in my plans. I didn't want my off season to be quite this long.  I also wanted to do a October oly comp with my kid :( Not  lifting makes me sad. My chicken legs will be back with a vengeance in no time... Ugh.  Hopefully 6 weeks goes by fast and it doesn't take me long to get back where I was.  :). 

"Bulking" ;). Hehehehehe.

 In other words not doing cardio and eating what ever the hell you want!! When I am in Italy next week they are going to have to roll me into a gondola and back on the plane!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!

So here's how I see it.  Trying to be perfect will burn you out. You aren't alway going to be in your best tip top shape. Anyone that pretends like they are is a douche and they probably sit around all day editing pics for Facebook trying to make their lives and selves look beyond perfect...Yawn. Or maybe they are a pro, which I am NOT as proof in the magically delicious mini Buddha belly i am growing. Haha!!

 Try your best, even though your best effort may fluctuate in a major way from time to time.  Be yourself and love it, no matter how off your off seasons may be! 

 Have a great week ( or two, or three, I've been slack)!! :)

       

The End Of The World

    Is a set back like minor surgery the end of the world?  I guess not. It may feel like it though.  It's only my gallbladder coming out so I know it's NOT really the end of the world, but let me tell you why I am SCARED TO DEATH.....

      I've never been off from working out for more then a rest week since being sober. It's like my AA.  I obsess over it.  It fulfills a void and I crave it. It's the single most important part of my day and sets the tone for how everything goes. Its my passion and I've been doing it for years.  Not lifting for 6 weeks may not seem like much to some, and I know it could be a way worse situation, but it still seems like a lifetime to me. I had certain goals and plans and they have been derailed.  I've had to ax doing the oly competition with my daughter and I'm now reevaluating my schedule for my next competition.  No April for me for sure like I planned.  I don't want to feel rushed.  It will be the middle of November before I can lift again. Having to make up for lost workout time and then start dieting down a couple weeks later isn't going to work for me.  I want to IMPROVE at my next competition not feel less then my best.  I think waiting to compete is a tough decision but the right one.  

     I'm hoping I can at least do cardio after a week or so and I plan on walking hundreds of miles in my ankle weights to stay sane.  Hey who knows maybe it will work out for the best and I will trim down enough to do figure like I always wanted!!! ;) Ahhhhhhh stripper heels and blingged bikinis!!!!! That's what I'm talkin bout!!!!!!!! HAHA!! ;) PRETTY PRETTY POSES!!!!

                                           (Ok maybe figure is a stretch HAHA!!)

       So I have to keep a strong mind, try not to obsess until I go mad, and remember that a set back just turns into a comeback. I know I'm going to feel better after getting this surgery and kick more ass then ever.  I already stomp girls on that board nearly half my age so fuck it.  Maybe it will give them a hot minute to try and catch up....

    Don't let set backs ruin your world. It's not the end.  Even if it is as small as a few candy bars or something bigger like a broken limb.  Comeback, keep a good positive attitude, don't talk down about yourself or act defeated. You are better then that and so am I... No doubt. (I'm going to try my best to keep all this in the front of my mind!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! ). Have a great week!