Sunday, December 15, 2013


     With the New Year quickly approaching I've been thinking about goals.  Should we set goals for the prize or is it more about who we become while attaining them? I think it's mostly getting there that is important.  It's where your character comes in, and without that, not much else matters.

     So word on the street is I'm going to be a paleo challenge team captain on January first for CrossFit Sanford.  Let's use this 30 day challenge as an example.  So, is something like this supposed to be about the money you win, the inches or weight you lose or is it about something much bigger? I think it's about the process.  You see, it will get tough.  You will get tired and cranky and start detoxing from all that sugar and wheat.  You will start slobbering for cake and bread.  This is when it is time to shine.  You committed to a goal, so no matter how bad you want something ( or frankly feel like you need it because your body is soooooo addicted to it) you must ignore what you want. You made a commitment and even though no one else may be watching, you would know if you cheated.  When you fight that battle and you win the next battle is easier. You feel good and confident about yourself and you go into the next battle stronger then ever.  Then the battles get even easier until it just becomes habit.  When you give in and are constantly starting over it weighs on your conscience. It makes you feel like a piece of shit.  You feel guilty and it makes the goals you set much harder to attain in the future. Starting over is harder.  For sure. 

       The process makes you stronger.  The process builds character. Sometimes stumbling is part of the process, we just can't let that be what happens on the regular. Every time you win a battle on the way to your goal, no matter how big or small it may be, you are becoming way fucking better.  When things get tough and you stick it out the next challenge won't be nearly as hard.  30 days may turn into 60 or 90 or forever. 

      So I've been struggling just a bit with my upcoming goals.  Am I getting too muscular? Am I not muscular enough for WPD? Am I getting too fat? Are my legs ever going to fucking grow? Can I actually do that many comps in a row before I take a break? I mean having a leg day every three seconds is mentally getting tough. It's human nature for a bit of doubt to set in sometimes.   I just have to constantly remind myself that I'm doing the best I can.  I mean I do love it. I enjoy getting better at my weaknesses and I have a BLAST training hard. 
    I've been seeing people's reactions to me in restaurants and stores as my body changes. They whisper or stare.  It pisses me off because people gawk at me in a tank top but don't even notice the line of morbidly obese asses riding electric carts down the aisle. Apparently that is the new norm and I'm the freak. I decided that in my mind I have a goal about the upcoming season. I'm not going to let society or anyone else dictate what I want to be. I will take it one day at a time like anything else.   Beautiful to me might not be the same as it is to the masses. It doesn't matter. Time to put my nose down and accomplish what I set out to do. It's not ever the time to worry about what other people think. There may or may not be a trophy at the end of this but either way I will be better for it.  No doubt. 

I changed a ton getting to and staying committed to that last competition.  I've never been happier in my life and marriage because years ago we committed to make it work. I grow stronger each day that more sobriety time goes by.  It feels good to stay true to yourself and be proud of it. 

     You are strong.  Don't give in.  You are better then that. 

Pray I wake up Christmas morning and I am BLACK IN THE BACK and HAVE A GREAT WEEK!! 

Sunday, December 8, 2013


      Yup.  I do!! 167 to be exact! I haven't weighed that much since I was pregnant. I mean I know most people would not look at me and go "God damn she is fat!" , but if you've known me for any length of time, you know for me...yeah I am. ( Disclaimer: I'm not calling myself fat in a derogatory way. I just weigh more then ever and this is how I write. I understand this is part of my game of globo ass GAINZZZZ, so please don't start with the fat is a bad thing crap.)  Im a monster biggie girl for sure. I'm eating a TON  and lifting heavy.  Honestly this chubby chubbton belly of mine is a good trade off.  I've always been the super tall skinny fat girl, and I hated it....well except that one year in high school when all I did was smoke weed and eat candy from the store I worked at, then I was just plain fat.  Even though this six pack of mine is hidden under some extra pounds right now, I don't care....THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD ANY KIND OF BOOTY!!!! HELL YEAH!!

     Anyway, this can't be the healthiest thing to do.  I'm sure I'm gaining tooooo much weight for off season... I dont know. It's fine.  I'm not surprised though cause it's ALWAYS all or nothing with me. EAT, EAT, EAT and drink gainer.  I'm just hoping there is a little more muscle left after I diet down then I had last competition. At the Golds Classic I was the thin stick physique girl of the top bunch. I looked great and getting there was my goal and for then I was happy with that. My goal still isn't a certain place or a first call out.  I'm not worried about national levels of any kind. My goal is to fight against these genetics like hell and have a bigger ass then I did in June. My goal is to NOT be the tall skinny physique girl this go around whatever competition it may be.  I want some of those girls to look at me all orange and greased up and think to themselves " that's my competion".  I WANT TO SEE IT WRITTEN ON THEIR FACES.   I work hard and I want that.  Just once. 

Me now and in June. 

So.... I'm a fatty...for now.  It's really not that many weeks until prep starts anyway.  December and January will fly by.  I think I may compete in April. Going in this time I have a better grasp on what's going to go down.  There's no dreams of staying super lean all year and never eating garbage when the competion is over.  In fact I'm brainstorming right now with my kid about what goal is next... Is it boxing, a cage fight or climbing a mountain? I don't know.  All I do know it's not a marathon.  I'm not squatting nearly 3 times a week to burn it all up! DUH!!! 

Training is going great and I'm trying to get my abs back into good shape after surgery.  They feel a bit weak still.  Other then that my lifts are through the roof, I guess fat people are stronger ;).  I had a great weekend in Atlanta with my husband.  BMW is good to us and we had a blast. Eat and train for your goals and have a great week...or two or three, I've been slack on the blogging. ;)